Sunday, July 18, 2004
Last days as a drunk
Until now I have been writing about those things that affected me in childhood, and only the negative ones at that. Those were the things that shaped my life. Those feelings of hopelessness and self pity, fear, self loathing, hatred, everything self-centric would plague me and drive me for years.
I would spend 27 years in and out of therapy with many different diagnoses, have two failed marriages, several failed businesses, work at a job that I hated, live life as a drunk and a drug addict and finally end up living on the streets, but one day my life would come crashing down on me. It would be the best thing that ever happened to me and give me a chance to change my life. It would lead me into a more fulfilled life and happiness.
One morning in February 1995 I would run out of drugs, money, and friends. I had spent that weekend scamming people out of money and robbed a drug dealer of his money, drugs, and car. I kew that I was a drunk and a crack addict, that I would die in the gutter somewhere and I thought that this was the day. If the drug dealer didn't kill me then I would take my own life. The dealer showed up that day and took one look at me and just shook his head then left. I tried for nearly three days to kill myself and no matter what I tried it didn't work. I didn't know it yet, but I had one friend left that cared. He cared enough to find me and make sure that I got help.
I ended up In a "psych" ward that day. After five days there they told me that they couldn't help me anymore and were going to set me loose. They had done all they could and I wouldn't do anything to help myself so I was faced with going back out on the streets. It scared the crap out of me to know that I was going to go back out into the world. I didn't want to be out there. I was safe where I was. I broke down and cried, something I hadn't done in years.
It was at that time that I came to the realization that if I didn't do something to help myself I would die that day. As soon as I would walk out the door of that hospital I would try to kill myself again and this time I would succeed. I really didn't want to die, I had just thought that the world didn't need another drunk and drug addict in it an didn't know what else to do.
For once in my life I listened to another human being and from that day forward I worked to change my life. I have had a lot of help along the way and now I lead a relatively happy and productive life. Productive for me and those around me. I no longer believe that I will die a drunk in the gutter. My life has changed for the better.
I would spend 27 years in and out of therapy with many different diagnoses, have two failed marriages, several failed businesses, work at a job that I hated, live life as a drunk and a drug addict and finally end up living on the streets, but one day my life would come crashing down on me. It would be the best thing that ever happened to me and give me a chance to change my life. It would lead me into a more fulfilled life and happiness.
One morning in February 1995 I would run out of drugs, money, and friends. I had spent that weekend scamming people out of money and robbed a drug dealer of his money, drugs, and car. I kew that I was a drunk and a crack addict, that I would die in the gutter somewhere and I thought that this was the day. If the drug dealer didn't kill me then I would take my own life. The dealer showed up that day and took one look at me and just shook his head then left. I tried for nearly three days to kill myself and no matter what I tried it didn't work. I didn't know it yet, but I had one friend left that cared. He cared enough to find me and make sure that I got help.
I ended up In a "psych" ward that day. After five days there they told me that they couldn't help me anymore and were going to set me loose. They had done all they could and I wouldn't do anything to help myself so I was faced with going back out on the streets. It scared the crap out of me to know that I was going to go back out into the world. I didn't want to be out there. I was safe where I was. I broke down and cried, something I hadn't done in years.
It was at that time that I came to the realization that if I didn't do something to help myself I would die that day. As soon as I would walk out the door of that hospital I would try to kill myself again and this time I would succeed. I really didn't want to die, I had just thought that the world didn't need another drunk and drug addict in it an didn't know what else to do.
For once in my life I listened to another human being and from that day forward I worked to change my life. I have had a lot of help along the way and now I lead a relatively happy and productive life. Productive for me and those around me. I no longer believe that I will die a drunk in the gutter. My life has changed for the better.
Dana Megyesi 6:19 AM