Friday, July 09, 2004
My worst year
Probably the worst year or the year in which I had the most defining moments was in the first grade. That year was by far the most life changing for me.
I was a very sickly child. Every child illness that one could get I got. I even had the mumps and measles at the same time. I had my tonsils out that year and even had a bone tumor burned off my leg using dry ice. I learned what real physical pain was.
I spent so much time in hospitals or at home recooperating that when I DID attend school most of the other kids didn't want much to do with me so I became an even bigger bookworm. I was small and one year younger than the other kids so they didn't want me playing games with them on the playground and too make matters worse, the teachers tried to force them to accept me into their games. All that accomplished was to set the other children against me. Whenever the teachers weren't looking I was shoved around, punched and kicked. When I tried to fight back I was punished.
Then came the revelation. I was never going to fit in. I was going to spend my life alone, few or no friends. Even the girls teased me so I knew that I would never have a girlfriend either. I became distrustful of the other kids and of people in general. I knew that I would have to make it in my life alone. This was one of those defining moments in my life that continues to affect me today.
I became selfish and self centered, why not, no-one cared about me except me. I quit developing people skills and concentrated only on those skills I needed for survival. I made my own rules because the rules that had been set up by others didn't seem to be working. If the rules set down by others were meant to be broken by them then I would just have to set my own rules. Rules that came out of resentment and hurt and pain. Rules that would hurt others and leave me with a feeling of superiority. A feeling of superiority that I came to believe was the truth. One that I held for nearly forty years.
This was also the beginning of my slide into depression that no-one recognized. Not me. Not my parents. Not the schools nor the teachers. I still battle that feeling of depression, though not every day any more, but for years I was depressed. Always lonely, always alone.
The second major defining moment of my life was one that left me feeling like I would never see my eighteenth birthday. That came one day when we were practicing our monthly "duck and cover" drill in school. The cold war was on and there was a constant feeling that one day some one would drop a nuclear bomb and start World War 3. Everyone it seemed was talking about war. World War II, Korea, Russia, they were the topics of the day. Then I heard someone say, "there will always be wars and rumors of wars" so I thought, what the hell, I'm going to be dead anyway before I hit eighteen so I might as well live life MY way.
Here I was five and six years old and already thinking about dying. What really drove it home was the accidental drowning and the accidental hanging of two of my school acquaintences that year. Now I KNEW I would never live to see eighteen. Thus began my long, slow spiral into the hell of depression. It also marked the beginning of my alcohol and drug addictions.
I didn't like living in this world and the only way I could escape it, if only for a little while, was to get drunk or high. Imagine, a six year old and already a drunk and a drug addict.
Yes that was a life altering year.
I was a very sickly child. Every child illness that one could get I got. I even had the mumps and measles at the same time. I had my tonsils out that year and even had a bone tumor burned off my leg using dry ice. I learned what real physical pain was.
I spent so much time in hospitals or at home recooperating that when I DID attend school most of the other kids didn't want much to do with me so I became an even bigger bookworm. I was small and one year younger than the other kids so they didn't want me playing games with them on the playground and too make matters worse, the teachers tried to force them to accept me into their games. All that accomplished was to set the other children against me. Whenever the teachers weren't looking I was shoved around, punched and kicked. When I tried to fight back I was punished.
Then came the revelation. I was never going to fit in. I was going to spend my life alone, few or no friends. Even the girls teased me so I knew that I would never have a girlfriend either. I became distrustful of the other kids and of people in general. I knew that I would have to make it in my life alone. This was one of those defining moments in my life that continues to affect me today.
I became selfish and self centered, why not, no-one cared about me except me. I quit developing people skills and concentrated only on those skills I needed for survival. I made my own rules because the rules that had been set up by others didn't seem to be working. If the rules set down by others were meant to be broken by them then I would just have to set my own rules. Rules that came out of resentment and hurt and pain. Rules that would hurt others and leave me with a feeling of superiority. A feeling of superiority that I came to believe was the truth. One that I held for nearly forty years.
This was also the beginning of my slide into depression that no-one recognized. Not me. Not my parents. Not the schools nor the teachers. I still battle that feeling of depression, though not every day any more, but for years I was depressed. Always lonely, always alone.
The second major defining moment of my life was one that left me feeling like I would never see my eighteenth birthday. That came one day when we were practicing our monthly "duck and cover" drill in school. The cold war was on and there was a constant feeling that one day some one would drop a nuclear bomb and start World War 3. Everyone it seemed was talking about war. World War II, Korea, Russia, they were the topics of the day. Then I heard someone say, "there will always be wars and rumors of wars" so I thought, what the hell, I'm going to be dead anyway before I hit eighteen so I might as well live life MY way.
Here I was five and six years old and already thinking about dying. What really drove it home was the accidental drowning and the accidental hanging of two of my school acquaintences that year. Now I KNEW I would never live to see eighteen. Thus began my long, slow spiral into the hell of depression. It also marked the beginning of my alcohol and drug addictions.
I didn't like living in this world and the only way I could escape it, if only for a little while, was to get drunk or high. Imagine, a six year old and already a drunk and a drug addict.
Yes that was a life altering year.
Dana Megyesi 1:56 PM